Posted in Musings

Doll

The pointlessness of it all.

However hard I try, however many distractions, I throw at myself, it comes back to this. And the urge to self-destruct reaches an all-time high when you find yourself let out a sigh, bidding goodbye to a dream that can never be.

How do you cope with the knowledge that whatever you do, whichever paths you choose, you’d always fall short of what you wanted? That all the permutations and combinations that life throws at you could never add up to the perfect life you have built in your head?

In my head, yes, I know it’s all in my head. There is no such thing as perfect life. There’s no such thing as flawless relationships. I know. What I have is something most people can only care to dream about, and opportunities come knocking when I least expect them, and I’ve come farther than I ever thought I would.

Trust me, I know.

I’m lucky, I’m beautiful, I’m magnificent.

I know.

I know.

But what if everything’s perfect, but for a little missing piece, just one tiny missing puzzle piece. What if it felt like that piece holds more value than all the rest of it put together. As if it’s the spoke that keeps me ticking and now I’m falling to pieces without something to hold me together. What if you had to go through life knowing that your picture would always be incomplete, that you’d always be falling apart at the blink of an eye, forever be trying to pick yourself up. That you’d always be an empty propped up doll for the world to see.

I’m just so exhausted, fighting this, trying to find my way back. For there is no way back. Just a hopeless countdown to the end of my days, and I feel like I’m done already.

It’s just too hard.

Author:

A wayward thinker hiding behind the facade of necessary courtesies

4 thoughts on “Doll

  1. “That’d you would always be an empty propped up doll…” Yes, I have/do feel this way. Seemingly fantastic opportunities arise but before I take my next breath something else is stripped from me and the wind is knocked right back from my lunges. Is it better to be an empty doll? Never having expectations …good nor bad…then that pill of disappointment is much easier to swallow, and your hollow stomach no longer turns.

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      1. I understand that. I feel like most days I’m on auto pilot. I will sit in my feelings though, let them overcome me, drown me…then reset. I don’t expect the best or the worst…just come what may.

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