One of the most poignant scenes in Ricky Gervais’ Afterlife is a friend telling him that maybe everything does not have to be about him; sure, he hates his life and wants nothing more than to be dead, but maybe he could still go on that date and make sure that the OTHER person has a good time. Maybe the point of your existence doesn’t really have to be about you.
Could selflessness really be the answer to our existence? I have certainly grown up hearing stories upon stories about the same. My favorite among those is what I personally consider a very clever short tale whose authorship I do not know. I probably read it on Reader’s Digest as a kid. Someone dies and goes to hell and see that it is a place filled with people who are served all these amazing mouth-watering meals, except that their hands are tied to these freakishly long spoons which makes it impossible to feed yourself; so essentially people just sit at the tables hungry, drooling over the food for eternity. And then when they go to heaven, it turns out it is exactly the same scenario, except that the people there use those spoons to feed each other. As an adult, I feel like the story works on a lot of different levels, leaning into the whole concept of how heaven and hell are what you make of it, with a sprinkling of empathy and community.
Having accepted that my life essentially has no point or purpose, I am trying to find meaning in being there for other people. And failing miserably at it. I would like to believe that I am largely a “good” person by societal standards; I try to be nice and courteous to everyone I meet, I almost never lie on purpose, I am a fan of random acts of kindness, I save insects from fatal situations whenever I encounter said situations. But I am just so wrapped up in myself almost all the time, hurting and overthinking, that I find it physically impossible to reach out to those around me. This predicament I am in has certainly given me a lot more perspective about how everyone is probably doing the best they can – how it is entirely possible that they just don’t have the energy to even do the bare minimum. It is not easy to hold your breath and smile when all you want to do is scream. Is it any wonder that there is so much noise in the world? Everyone might be brimming with frustration or tragedy or remorse or guilt, and these emotions probably spill over like lava from tongues that never intended to burn anyone. If only we could learn early on how to hold goodness and love in the parts that get carved out of us, instead of cradling that vacuum and attempting to fill it up with tears and anger.
Needs, expectations, selflessness. I feel like I am losing myself in motivational messages, trying to navigate the maze of acceptable self-care versus selfless caring. Maybe it’ll make sense somewhere along the way. For now, I simply continue to walk I suppose.
Happiness is amazing. It is so amazing, it doesn’t matter if it is yours or not.
After Life
Serendipitous Rambling 