Slightly At Unease

I woke up disoriented, around six in the morning, to loud noises around me. They sounded like hailstones crash-landing on stone roofs and windowpanes, and my muddled mind concluded that I must still be somewhere in Himachal. But I could feel MB stir next to me, and through the haze, I had a vague memory of having gotten home a few hours prior. But what about the hailstorm? I blinked and listened a little closer this time. Fireworks! Of course; it was Diwali.

It is close to 8 PM now, and the sky is erupting outside in flashes of yellow, red and green as I type this. The loud commotion from the morning has given way to sparkly lights against the night sky. I watched for a while from my balcony, but the canopy around it blocks most of the view, although I can see glimpses through the gaps in the coconut leaves. I can get a better view from the main terrace, but my landlady might already be there, and I am not in the mood to chat. So, I retreated inside and sat down here with my laptop.

(Sudden low mood alert)

Every time I come back from a trip, the raging happy hormones slowly start to settle, and soon there is a dip in my energy levels. I suppose travelling to new places keeps one constantly energized with the stimulus of wonder and excitement, as opposed to everyday routines. For the first time in many days, I find myself alone with my thoughts. There is some level of anxiety that I can trace back to multiple things – some regret about overspending due to an upcoming payment, apprehension regarding some work issues that cropped up while I was gone, and uneasiness regarding something found on social media, and preoccupation with certain recurring thoughts as well. In a way, I suppose it is good that I have started to identify and acknowledge the things that affect me, but I feel like this process also makes me self-conscious, gloomy and a lot more prone to wallowing.

I got a book on Tibetan Buddhist practices for MB from my journey, and combing through it, I found the same advice iterated over and over that I have been receiving from elsewhere recently – about accepting and experiencing hurt and sadness instead of seeking to escape it. The author does talk here about how this can lead to self-pity very quickly and that one needs to overcome it. I might read it in detail, but then I am very bad at sticking to non-fiction, so maybe I can find a condensed version of it somewhere online.

In any case, I do not feel dread or any overwhelming sadness – just what is turning into a regular feeling of being slightly at unease. I know what can fix this, but I do not want to go down that route again. That is the one constant reminder that I have set in stone. I feel like I am at a new beginning, shedding skin that has protected as well as constricted me for too long. I feel a little raw; afraid of being burned as I peep out into the world around me, but it also feels good to be finally stepping towards freedom. I do not know yet what this entails, but I do know this is different from every other time. Hopefully, that is all that matters.