Posted in Journal

I Might Be Getting Addicted To Blogging

I fear I might be getting addicted to blogging.

Not in a fun, creative way but as a source of validation or as a hideout where I can pretend to be engaged in a worthwhile endeavour while shirking work because I cannot seem to bring myself to do anything anymore.

I wake up each day and wait for the moments to fall apart, as I tiptoe in and out of WhatsApp a million times, diving for messages that aren’t there. I use Netflix and YouTube like bookends to keep my day together; crushing the minutes together, because I don’t have any relevant stories to fill in the gaps.

I fear I might be getting addicted to blogging.

Not as a fulfilling endeavour but as a way to make it through another couple of days with the anticipation that perhaps I might have connected with someone out there.

When I first started out, this was a space where I could let my ideas see light, even as I chose to stay in the darkness, afraid of what people might think of everything I wanted to say. It felt good when I garnered likes and found stray comments and chanced upon fellow writers who produced amazing things. But I almost never allowed myself to ramble on, never wanted this space to reflect my raw self, unless it was covered in pretty strings of prose or poetry. I didn’t allow journal entries all this time because I didn’t think people wanted to read boring details of everything I felt (isn’t it interesting that in the midst of all the self-hate, I manage to hold the narcissistic idea that ‘people’ flock in here otherwise?). But in this last week, I’ve let myself go.

I’ve lost grip on reality, and am generally floating from one day to the other, wishing things get better. Sometimes it feels like everything is alright. Other times, like nothing is and never will be. Maybe there are others as well who feel like this. Maybe they will feel good when (if?) they see my posts and realise there are others like them.

I fear I might be getting addicted to blogging.

Not because I aspire to sharpen my craft or give in to my passion, but because it makes me feel just a little less alone.

Author:

A wayward thinker hiding behind the facade of necessary courtesies

2 thoughts on “I Might Be Getting Addicted To Blogging

  1. First, I think this is a wonderful and thoughtful post, so thank you for sharing. Trust that I definitely understand the concept of blogging being an odd mix of self-therapy, avoidance and redemption, although we might be going about if for mildly different reasons.

    Second, of course there are people out there who will benefit from your words. Just at Bonnywood alone, there are folks who will completely identify with what you have just shared. It’s always a good thing to be honest, at least to the degree that one’s comfort allows, as honesty has a resonance that speaks many languages. Sure, it can be scary when you share, but I’m a firm believer that getting your thoughts on paper (even digital paper) releases and redeems.

    Third, you probably don’t feel it necessary but I still feel compelled to say this, I must apologize for not commenting on your blog more often. Truth be told, it’s not that I don’t care, but more an issue of not having the time. But I do enjoy your posts, whatever your topic might be. We’ve known each other (virtually) for several years now, and I have long since known that you’re a great writer and a good soul. I should be showing more appreciation.

    Fourth, would you mind a chaste digital hug? Because I’m sending you one… 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can’t tell you how much your words mean to me. The very fact that you took the time to pen all this speaks to me in a surreal way. To have someone on the other side of the globe send me such kind words and hugs.. it feels really really good. 🙂 And as always, it feels amazing to have you call me a great writer, because you’re nothing short of a master at this craft. Thank you, Brian. This really means a lot. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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