Don’t Read This

Statutory warning : this is going to be a deeply insecure post filled with tragic ruminations about my present crises. This is not a drill.

I am moderately depressed. 

I say moderately because mild doesn’t cut it and it doesn’t qualify as severe/major due to the absence of suicidal ideation. The much awaited results of my entrance test are out, and contrary to expectations it’s not great. I’m not bothered so much by the rank as the puzzle behind it. It was a relatively tough paper but I had come out feeling like I had aced it. If only I knew what went wrong, I’d feel better.

The results were already out on another exam I had written, one conducted by a prime institute in the country, and there is a possibility that I may be able to get into that one. May be, because they only take in limited candidates. With some luck, I may make it. I hate being at the tip of this precipice, not knowing which way I might fall, especially now that the other result has let me down. 

I was rather numb yesterday, perhaps in early denial. After a sleepless night, I’m still wide awake and still in my pajamas. I missed breakfast and lunch and am still not hungry. Classic signs of a depressive episode plus, anergia and apathy.

My laptop is still dead, because I never got around to fixing it. Now, what with the counselling in 5 days, I don’t know when I’ll be able to. There’s no time for anything, and still I don’t feel like getting out of bed. Wifi expired as I forgot to pay the bill, so no Netflix. The idiot box hasn’t helped. 

All of a sudden, I don’t seem to have anyone to call and talk to. Maybe this why people get married.

And to add to all that, all my blogging ideas seem to have disappeared into thin air, and I’m left to rambling away my time on this hideous post. Yuck.

I hope things get better soon.