Posted in Musings

Don’t Read This

Statutory warning : this is going to be a deeply insecure post filled with tragic ruminations about my present crises. This is not a drill.

I am moderately depressed. 

I say moderately because mild doesn’t cut it and it doesn’t qualify as severe/major due to the absence of suicidal ideation. The much awaited results of my entrance test are out, and contrary to expectations it’s not great. I’m not bothered so much by the rank as the puzzle behind it. It was a relatively tough paper but I had come out feeling like I had aced it. If only I knew what went wrong, I’d feel better.

The results were already out on another exam I had written, one conducted by a prime institute in the country, and there is a possibility that I may be able to get into that one. May be, because they only take in limited candidates. With some luck, I may make it. I hate being at the tip of this precipice, not knowing which way I might fall, especially now that the other result has let me down. 

I was rather numb yesterday, perhaps in early denial. After a sleepless night, I’m still wide awake and still in my pajamas. I missed breakfast and lunch and am still not hungry. Classic signs of a depressive episode plus, anergia and apathy.

My laptop is still dead, because I never got around to fixing it. Now, what with the counselling in 5 days, I don’t know when I’ll be able to. There’s no time for anything, and still I don’t feel like getting out of bed. Wifi expired as I forgot to pay the bill, so no Netflix. The idiot box hasn’t helped. 

All of a sudden, I don’t seem to have anyone to call and talk to. Maybe this why people get married.

And to add to all that, all my blogging ideas seem to have disappeared into thin air, and I’m left to rambling away my time on this hideous post. Yuck.

I hope things get better soon.


A wayward thinker hiding behind the facade of necessary courtesies

7 thoughts on “Don’t Read This

  1. It massively sucks to be stuck in “limbo” about exam results; just remember that as there is nothing you can do about it, you probably should try to stop worrying about it. So much about exams is due to chance. As somebody who gets depressed a lot, I would suggest as much activity as possible. Exercise. Walk outside if it is sunny. Read a book – Jane Austen is my go-to mood lifter. Find somebody to talk to – it doesn’t really matter who. The Wheel of Fortune keeps turning. Sometimes you are on the top, sometimes on the downward slide. It always comes back up eventually.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for stopping by to comment 🙂
      I usually get back on track quite soon, it’s just that I had my hopes up on this one. I was pretty sure I’ll get glorious marks and get into the institute of my choice. Oh well. Maybe something better is in store and I just don’t know it yet (touch wood) Till then I’ll try to follow your protocol 😃

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I hope things get better soon for you too. Maybe they’re on the up already. For me, when the black cloud rolls over, I know that getting out of the house helps. Brisk exercise, fresh air. They’re not going to provide a solution. But they might put you in the frame of mind when a solution appears.

    Liked by 1 person

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