Posted in Journal

Being Primary

Scrolling through IG, I came across a video on manifesting (Is it like a LA thing, or does this really make some kind of psychological sense?) and for some reason, I stopped to listen. It talked about how the need to manifest a specific person comes from a place of lack of trust, self-doubt, a need for control and a feeling that things will not pan out the way you want otherwise, and how it needs to be replaced with wanting to manifest good things in general, out of self-love and happiness, knowing that you don’t require one specific thing to be complete. I had to admit that it made sense, at the very least. And I suspect these are things that I’ve thought about on my own too over time, but forget to actually put into practice.

The last few days have been something of a roller coaster ride. I had some moments where I felt like everything was amazing, and then things plunged into despair for a bit, and then it felt like I was generally just bobbing up and down downstream, not in control, but not exactly drowning either. I wish my final visit with the psychiatrist had been gotten done on Friday as planned; I was looking forward to hearing what he finally had to say about my assessment, and now it continues to be yet another point of uncertainty in my life.

Things have not been going well between MB and me, to the extent that even the D word got tossed around for a bit the other day. His stance is quite solid, and he has stated it in no unclear words where he is at. It seems like everyone associated with me is doing the same thing. They are all clear about what I mean to them, what they want from me, and what they can offer, and it feels a bit overwhelming to have to call the shots, because I am unable to keep my emotions and thoughts in check. I try to keep my life in balance and accrue importance to people in a logical manner, but then, in spite of all the overthinking, I’m not really someone who functions on logic. I’m a dreamer-poet-romantic, fluttering between sunshine and death.

In any case, one thing seems to be abundantly clear – I need to be my primary partner, seeing that everyone else clearly has me tagged as secondary at best. In a sense, I think I am relieved. I am free from having to worry about whether the constant travel or the time I spend with everyone else in my life is making MB resentful, and knowing that I’m not his primary concern takes the load off me for a bit. The problems arise between largely when I start googling things like “Is my marriage failing?” or “signs of a healthy marriage” and start ticking things off apparently important points, or watching cute couple memes and love quotes, and worrying about how none of them seem to hold true for me anymore, and then bludgeoning my unsuspecting overworked spouse with these finds on random mornings (via text messages of all things). Granted, I literally know only two couples who seem happy, and neither has completed a year of togetherness, so I ought to be logically leaning into the fact that sustained marital bliss might just be a mirage. But again, logic, dreamer, repeat.

Well, the key takeaway from this unnecessary rant/spiral is that I have decided to forego fantastic ideals about what a good marriage is supposed to look like. Maybe I AM in a good marriage and don’t know it because it is the kind that is right for the person who I am and not the kind that fits social standards. Sure, there is some amount of overall apathy and but there is also no jealousy or anger or abuse. That has got to count for something right? I’d like to think that it does. We are not in a positive state or a negative state right now; we are in no man’s land where things can tip either way. I just need to hold on long enough to see which way it goes I suppose.

And in the meantime, I guess I had better try manifesting a primary partner in myself.

Author:

A wayward thinker hiding behind the facade of necessary courtesies

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