Today is marked by light.
I’ve often wondered about the denial one sees in addicts. I’ve seen it in my father who’d always proclaim his ability to stop drinking if he wished to; how it wasn’t something that controlled him.
I’ve also wondered about denial I see in other realms. I’ve seen patients in the outpatient department refuse to get tested for diabetes, maintaining that they are perfectly fine. Once, during my undergrad days, when a professor asked how many of us were willing to get tested for HIV, I remember looking around in awe as barely half a dozen hands joined mine in the air in a class of close to a hundred, even though none of us were even sexually active. I’ve scoffed at them , and yet, I find myself shying away from getting a fertility test done. Maybe I’d reserve that thought for another post.
I have a phone addiction. I also seek constant attention and validation. For a long time, I’ve pretended, much like my father, that it’s something completely under my control, and that I can turn off at will. I get drawn into the vortex of YouTube way too many times for me to keep believing in that. Discovering Instagram for the first time a few weeks ago hasn’t helped either. I suppose IG has let me come into terms with my issue at a much faster rate. I installed an app yesterday that helps us to keep a tab on things and keep focused. It locked me out of IG even before it was even noon. But it felt good.
I did watch a lot of unnecessary YouTube today as well, but it was much better than usual. I got some work done. I took a few lessons in French and Spanish (In spite of being away from the apps for so long, I managed to get almost all my answers right. Yaay!) I washed a lot of dishes. I made brunch. (Even though it was just toast and scrambled eggs, I’d like to give myself a lot of credit, since I’ve been on a toxic cycle of eating out and fasting for a long while now.) I read a book for a bit while I waited for the motor to fill up our water tank. And while I read the book, I came upon a random French bit and identified a phrase that I understood as well. Yaay again!!
A checklist I developed yesterday is helping me too. It isn’t much. Just a list of items that I wish I’d do every day and then consistently fail to. Having an actual physical list helps I guess. I’m thinking of getting a white board for the same. Maybe next month, if this follows through.
I don’t want to jinx it, but I feel calm for the first time in ages. I feel like I’ll sleep without nightmares tonight. In spite of the fact that I have yet another presentation to prepare. In spite of all my major work projects crumbling around me while I try to figure out why my team is failing. In spite of my inability to push a particular thought out of my head however hard I try.
I’m writing after what feels like ages, and maybe that’s the reason too. I like to sing and dance, and with IG I feel this compelling need to make some noise and let people know that I exist. But I forget that those are just hobbies. S recently said something about my blog being a great hobby, and I remember being indignant at the suggestion. I couldn’t articulate it well then; why this isn’t a pastime, something to simply fill my hours with.
I realise writing is sustenance. And I’ve been starving for too long.