Posted in Anecdotes

Confessions Of A Neo Vegan

​My recent endeavour to adopt vegetarianism opened to mixed reviews among the public, in spite of initial hopes for critical acclaim.

Mother, who was given access to an early exclusive premiere rated it 3/5 citing admiration for the bold performance of the lead in the presence of her special roasted chicken, but opined that the character lacked credibility as furtive glances were noted throughout the meal as to the whereabouts of said chicken. In addition, she expressed concern about having to cook veggies regularly here forth. Her review was promptly published via oral delivery across the hall and printed in the Whatsapp Journal For Familial Affairs ensuring further perusal by fellow humans. Father gave an overall rating of 1/5 stating “Humbug!” and referring to the incidence as a gross violation of human rights and a threat to his own physical and dietary well being and staged protests against the screening before being pacified with sardines. The Golden Retriever woofed a 5/5 and offered to take care of all the leftover chicken wings.

Professional cook and food connoisseur Cousin S was one of the first to show up to register further insights. He was more thorough in his appraisal, noting how the title proved a misnomer, as yogurt continued to be consumed with gusto. But other than that, he gave a fairly positive review at 4/5 as cooking vegetables is not deemed a problem by a professional and, more importantly, since a vegetarian staple diet at our home fails to have long lasting implications on a non inhabitant. Aunt G, a vegetarian herself, applauded boisterously and even proceeded to whistle before acknowledging inexperience in the art. She emphasised that the debut showed promise, and added some scathing remarks intended for her prodigal son who recently featured in the second act of The Matter Of The Neighbour’s Pork – A Murky Tale Of Gravy And Deceit. She ended the review with a generous 4.5/5 and suggested a sequel involving religious appeasement. Uncle H was deeply moved and supported the cause but warned against the technicalities that may be encountered in the event of a foreign screening. “In spite of being an enterprising and brave attempt, one does wonder about the implications of the theme as shown by her and the feasibility of the same. For example, in a restaurant setting, the paucity of vegetarian dishes on the menu alongside spicy pomfret and salmon may prove enough of a dilemma and cause the whole thing to fall flat and fail, like under-cooked egg whites.. speaking of which, I should probably get going and try that new omelette recipe.” Among most others who refused to comment, astonishment prevailed.

Amigo K, at whose home a long stay had already been planned, expressed some apprehension regarding daily diet, but on the whole extended support and appreciation. A tin of pickle was thoughtfully purchased by her and hoarded in my favour in case of unsavoury circumstances at their household, post arrival.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who made this possible for me, and indeed inspired me towards the same. First and foremost the commercial fowl breeders who do not fail to meet the steroid requirements of each and every bird and ensures that we are given our fair share of hormones and infertility with every bite of wing and egg. Secondly, the dairy industry for thoughtfully fortifying our milk and cheese with enough antibiotics to ward off infections till drug resistance sets in. Last but not the least, I extend my gratitude towards all friends and family who never fail to forward enthralling and absorbing information about contaminated food processing, cancerous snacks, pesticides and allied trivia till one yearns to starve to death.

Thank you all!